Mastering Resilience: Trauma-Informed Leadership, Lived Wisdom, and Legacy Work (with Dr. Lorry Leigh Belhumeur)

Renae: Well, welcome, Lorry. We're so glad you're here.

Dr. Lorry: Thank you. It's so nice to be with you here, Renae. Thank you. Absolutely.

Renae: Well, we're so glad that you came to join us for the summit and that as we are all learning how to become TraumaWise and what that means, we're glad that you're talking to us today about connection to ourselves and others and resilience and sharing for your wisdom. So that is super exciting for us. I would love to invite you to introduce yourself a little bit to everybody who is watching right now.

Dr. Lorry: Okay. Well, I'm Dr. Lorry Leigh Belhumeur, and I'm a bestselling author, award-winning author of the book Mastering Resilience, Transforming Into Your Purpose. I was looking down for my, oh it’s right here. Perfect. There it is. Mastering Resilience, Transforming Into Your Purpose, and what I do is, I help people literally make the transformation from adversity, whether it's childhood adversity or other kind of adversity. Really understand the trajectory that without intervention, you know, mental health issues as well as physical health and social and financial challenges. But really, my lane is that mental health piece and to really, you know, offer preventative solutions to really change that trajectory so that people can really be, live on purpose for a purpose. And it's just something that I was born to do.

Renae: Wonderful. I love that you can help lead people to finding their part of their purpose and uncovering and affecting that because you're leaning so fully into yours. I love to hear, like always been something that was a flashpoint for you, if you will, of what opened this up for you, why you started writing this and sharing this after your years in the field?

Dr. Lorry: Yeah. So with 30-plus years in the mental health field and also in education and teaching, I think that the trajectory started when I knew from an early age that I was on the planet to help people. And, and, so as I got older, I realized that what I, what was important for me to do was to heal, to get healing, you know, go through a process of healing from my own childhood adversity and other adversities and just realizing that it's a lifelong process because, you know, adversities don't end if we're not in the middle of one now. And many of us have been on a global, you know, has been for a while, and that they inevitably, you know, come in the future. So it's really realizing that there were, there are tools and strategies based on that, you know, years of experience. And, and I'll just say what I did is I reverse engineered like what worked for people and then just kind of put it nicely into a little recipe that can be followed and used over and over.

Renae: I love that you say recipe, and I know that that's something that you're going to be offering our participants is that they'll have access to your recipe. So that will be in the link that is below in this. And so thank you so much for sharing that and being so generous, inviting people into this with you. What would you, when we talk about resilience, I know you and I, we've been working together in this space for a number of years now.

Dr. Lorry: Quite some time, yes.

Renae: And I think even I know that my definition of resilience has changed drastically over the years. And I'm sure that yours has, too. Certainly, what we've known culturally about resilience is not our understanding of it now. So, I'd love to hear a little bit about what that shift has been for you.

Dr. Lorry: Well, I think, you know, as I think about it, like right in this moment, what I want to say is resilience, first of all, we used to think that kids were resilient, that they were born resilient. They'll, you know, they'll grow out of it or, you know, they'll, they'll recover. You know, when they're facing so many negative things in childhood. And so that was a misnomer. We know that that's not true. Resilience skills can be taught and, and are necessary. And so the other thing about it is that there's so much neurobiology, data science research around what adversity does to the developing brain. And so, you know, again, it also used to be called to bounce back from something, and that's been that's evolved into adapt to adversity. And so because we know this, because this brain science is available, and we know it's the ability to adapt, there are so many more things that we have at our fingertips to help us become resilient. And so what it means for me in my experience right now is, again, that ability to adapt and adapt. And I think that there are many elements, including compassion. We're going to talk about that self-compassion and compassion for others. That there are just there are elements of resilience that, when they're kind of blended together, really build a stronger ability to adapt to any adversity, really.

Renae: I love that. I know that you know, when my entry into all of this work, not even I, didn't understand my own history going into the foster adoption world. And boy, howdy. When you move kiddos into your home, who have complex developmental trauma, it's going to help you understand a whole lot about yourself. Yeah. And so in that, I know that when our children moved from over a decade ago, there was this phrase that was ‘maladaptive behaviors’ and that we kept thinking about that these are maladaptive behaviors. And I love that, just as you said, that the, the switch of this is how my brain has developed strength and has developed and problem solving and has developed, you know, being curious and decision making in the face of these challenges, and it makes me really adept at somethings, and it’s just in adaptation, I've really enjoyed that. Yeah.

Dr. Lorry: And I think the other thing that we say is that it's a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances when are those when there are those behaviors? And I think the element of resilience now, as you mentioned, is, is that, you know, the ability to self-regulate, like learning how the brain works for them. And even as parents or the children, like knowing that that, you know, is what happened, what happened to them, not what's wrong with them. We know that phrase, right? What happened to you? And, then I take it a step further. What's strong in you is that we're looking at the balance of those things. And, also, knowing those neurobiology pathways that they can makes it not their fault, you know, it's not their fault, and there's nothing wrong with you. And that's the phrase that you often use. There's nothing wrong with you. And there really isn't. Right. And, you know, maybe like, and in fact, probably, if we're in the field of trauma, kids have been told, what's wrong with you, there's something wrong with you, why can't you be blah, blah, blah, Why can't you do blah, blah, blah? And so that becomes the inner dialog. And so learning about that also is part of resilience and, you know, finding other ways to shift those thoughts internally and mindset shifts that are part of the resilience process.

Renae: Absolutely. Yeah. I will never forget when there was a person from a mental health government agency that came to our house to screen our children and literally looked at my daughter and said, there is something seriously wrong with you during this interview.

Dr. Lorry: Oh, my goodness, my heart's breaking.

Renae: And, right. So, I have all this, you know, and luckily, luckily, she's a daughter that has two parents that are like, no, ma'am, you do not get to talk to our child this way. Yeah, right. Thank goodness. Yeah. It's taken me years to get to the point to realize, to have compassion for that woman, because that just tells me that's her script. Yeah, like somewhere in her history, someone told her the same thing, and so she lives in fear of not fitting in or not that she doesn't have everything exactly right. And so when someone else exhibits those behaviors, that's how she has to respond.

Dr. Lorry: Like a mirror. It's like you can't see it in someone or perceive it in someone. If it's not in you, it's kind of like, you can't do that. And I think what you're saying is absolutely right. And that's one of the other points in the book and you know, the work that I do is it was originally written for leaders and influencers of youth. And the message is, heal yourself first, like, you know, like, realize. And the other thing that was written to them, because we know that children who've been through trauma and adversity grab poverty toward youth serving youth, influencing roles like teachers and coaches and psychologists and, and so that foster care worker as well.

Dr. Lorry: And so there's a lot of this unhealed stuff when we get into these roles. And it's important for us to recognize those things in us. Like, you know, for that person who's saying that, to know that, ooh, I'm, that's, I feel that, and I have a responsibility to, to shift that so that I can allow others in my care to do the same. You know it's like gives that freedom to do the same. And so, I just love that you mention that. I mean sad, sad story. Great, great that they have the outcome was really good. Great That they had parents to, like counteract that thought. Absolutely. And also sad for the social worker.

Renae: Yeah. And it's I think that ties into the even the how you know how we talk to ourselves we, that, we know how people talk to themselves because that's how they talk to other people. Yeah. And that we can't actually practice speaking differently to other people until we've practiced speaking differently to ourselves. So what, what has that journey been like even for you? How have you flipped the script for yourself?

Dr. Lorry: That's a really good question. So what I learned initially was I actually started I was prompted to start paying attention to the negative things that I was telling myself about myself. And so to really be mindful of like that and, and at the time I like made a game of it and I'm like, my gosh, I'm thinking of ten simultaneous, you know, negative things about myself. And, ooh, you know, at the time I really judged that and, and believed a lot of them, you know, I believed a lot of those things, like, you're stupid, you're, you know, and many of those things were words that were spoken to me And so I believe them. I internalized them, and they became my own identity. And so it was like being aware of that first. And then really the process was, okay, what are some things that I know about myself to be true based on the accomplishments, accomplishments that I've made up to this point? You know, So I'm, I'm smart, You know, I'm compassionate. I'm a leader. So those are things that I could really recognize in myself. And maybe at the beginning, maybe I didn't. But I knew that teachers and other people saw it so I could say, that person believes that, and me. So therefore, there must be something to it because I trust that person. And then and then the other thing is like, who does who does the divine say, I am who this? And and that's a word that I choose. You know, other people choose other words. You know, people choose Jesus, God, you know, the divine, higher power. You know, there's and, and so it's like, who is who does the divine say I am? And so I, I have words like fearfully and wonderfully made, you know, those are words and like, that's who God says I am, you know. And so that was that was part of the process. And then and then what happens is each time there's, there's growth or up to a different level, whether it's, you know, a position change or, you know, during writing the book, that's a different, you know, thing that I'm doing. And then those, you know, my group of friends call it the gremlins, Like the gremlins come in, try to take you out, you know, by saying those things before and really being mindful and aware of what those are.

Dr. Lorry: And then not only when this is really important because it's not only saying I'm smart, I'm courageous, I'm these other things and compassionate. It's really like feeling what it feels like to be that because I know I am. And it's that feeling that is accompanied with that, with that thought that really anchors it in. And so that's just something that I've learned over the years. And so when I was writing the book, those things came up, and it was easier to shift out of it because sometimes, you know, people, myself included, has been months or years before the shift happens. And now it might be moments, you know, maybe an hour, a little bit of time. And then maybe if it's, you know, a really rough patch, it might be a little bit longer, but certainly not as long as it was in the past. And the support system around me, of people who believe in me and know that about me, reminded me, and I'm able to tell them I'm in a rabbit hole right now, I guess, you know.

Renae: So I just did that with my husband today. I was like, I'm having a minute today. And he like, help me in the kitchen. He said, You got this, You know, that's what I needed. That is not what I would have needed years ago in my life because I couldn't have heard the message in that like I had to get to a place where I could actually start to trust the people around me. And so I recognized that there may be even people who are sharing this who say, “I don't even know who my support system is.” And I like that you pointed to, that. You know, when we talk about attachment, we talk about the angels in the nursery. Yes. Yes. You were there at some point, that that you knew that they saw you, that they heard you that, yes. Thank you. And coming back to that feeling and remembering like it was true, I trust them that, you know, part of me, even if there's a whole lot of me that doesn't feel like it, there's a part of me that does trust them. And I'm going to lean into that and release some of the rest. And that to me, like when it comes to like resilience, like to me, like resilience and, and regulation, like self-regulation is internalized co-regulation that someone else has embodied empathy and, and help me to calm and to have hope and connected me back to humanity. Because in my distress, I was so far away from humanity. It's not funny for someone to say, I got you right? And it could be like this. It could be a hug, it could be eyesight, right? With you and I are famous for being a would like each other. Yes, exactly. Exactly, yes, yes, yes. Like, I feel felt. And so I and I love that because that's my depth. And part of my working definition of explained compassion to people is, embodied empathy, empathy as I'm feeling it, but compassion is moving into this with you suffering with you. And so even that practice you just said of when I'm when I can feel that the lies that will come and try to tear me away from my truth of who I am meant to be, start to get louder. And I'm rooting down into my truth. Yeah. Embody compassion, or body empathy for myself. Yes, yes. Yeah, that self-compassion. So are There any others? We talked about support systems. We talked about, you know, the scripts that you might have, what other types of it is a practical tool or more that you could one or two that you could share with. That would be just another something that, that helps to anchor you. What would, what would some of those things be?

Dr. Lorry: Well, I'm going to say there's a strategy that's kind of a combination of a number of things, and it's I call it the Triple A’s of Mastering resilience. But what it what it is the first is aware to really be aware. So be aware in the moment what you know, what is, what am I feeling? What am I thinking? You know, is it positive or negative? You know, at that moment that we feel that and where do I feel it in my body? And just really being aware and it draws you in the moment right now. In the moment. And then, you know, if you've done the exercise or if you know that you can, you know, acknowledge who you are, like you're aware of what you're thinking, you're aware of the things you're saying to yourself about yourself. You've caught yourself in that moment. And then acknowledge who you are, who you are divinely, who you know yourself to be, and even have some, you know, declaration statements like I am, I am courageous, I am smart, those things. And then the third one is really to take action. What's the first step that I can take now that where I kind of I'm out of that negative thing that I'm telling about myself, and feeling myself in as as I declare who I am and I'm acknowledging that and what's the next best step to move forward consistent with that identity, consistent with the I am what's a step that I can take that really demonstrates to me, that that's the truth. And so it's just those three simple steps and my goodness, when I was writing the book, I did it over and over, over again as, as the you know, as the new gremlins emerged and kind of, you know, went away.

Renae: Yeah. well, I love that. We'll put that into the workbook for people and they know that you have tools that we would like to as well.

Dr. Lorry: And I can actually I do have a workbook coming out and I there is a section in there and I can just provide that to you so you can have that in there and just, you know, where it came from. All that.

Renae: Yeah. Beautiful. I am so, so grateful that we got to do this. We got to sit down and chat and talk about this. This space that we're in, in the season. I love how we've been traveling through these things. This, these, this transformation and, and healing together in life. It's been so really, really, really cool. So thank you so much for your time and being being generous. Is there any one last thing that you would like if if people only remember one single thing from the time that you have that you're spending today, is there just one?

Dr. Lorry: Yeah. That people kind of just dropped in, you know, is be kind to yourself, you know, And then beyond that, like, let's not compare ourselves to other people who are farther in front of us, or we perceive to be farther in front of us that really look at how far we've come. Yeah. And in that, acknowledging how far we've come, be compassionate with yourself, be kind to yourself. And in that space, it will give you permission to move in the direction of your purpose and your goals, and you know who you get to be going forward.

Renae: Awesome. Thank you so much. We so appreciate you being here today. Thank you, Lorry.

Dr. Lorry: Thank you for the opportunity. Yeah, I'm just so appreciative that you're bringing this information in your global summit out there. I'm just so appreciative that you're doing that for, for humanity. Thank you.

Renae: Yeah, you're welcome.