From Grace to Triumph: Faith, Family, and the Sacred Path of Resilience (with Rev. Dr. Xenia Barnes)

Xenia: there's something there, there's something happening to my body, but there's a higher power, someone great in me that that's going to help me through this, and so I began to tap into my faith, and that's why it's so important that I share that story with others, because that belief in my faith began to give me hope, and my hope began to push my will of working even harder to get better, not to become the person I was, but to begin to identify the person who I was becoming, and so to answer, to answer your question. I know that was a lot, but I feel like it's important to share this with individuals, because so often people just tell you, like, yes, this traumatic experience happened to me, and now I'm great. And here are the things that you can do, but they don't share, or they say, book me, and I'll share with you. I'll share with you later, the things that I could do, but they don't share the troubles and the challenges they went through to get to where they are now. And so I share the troubles and the challenges. Because in that I began to understand how important connection work. I began to understand that this thing that was happening to me wasn't only happening to me. It was happening to the people that surrounded me. It was happening to my family members that would care what my caregivers who were caring for me. They were physically watching me someone go from this thriving, vibrant, active person to being someone that was like wiggling away from them before their eyes, you know. So that was traumatic for them, in that sense. But then there was also that experience for them, was their fear for me, of trying to not show me how afraid they were was connected to my fear of trying to show not show them how afraid I was. And so until we had a family discussion, and we all sat together and I had to share with them, these are the ways that you can help me. These are the ways that you can help me, so that, so that you don't have to be free like let me see. Let me see what you let me see what it is that's weighing on you, and our share was weighing on me, so that we can work together as a family. Because other than that, I just feel alone. I feel so alone, and although I see the individuals, I see the strong people that's around me trying to hold me up, I still feel alone because I recognize that everyone's hiding. They're hiding the pain. And so the importance of sharing this is it's okay not to hide the pain, because if you continue to hide the pain, then people don't know how to show up for you, but then you also don't know how to identify and show up for the things that you need. So don't hide the pain.

Renae: But I love that, that picture of when we're when we're afraid, to show that we're afraid, right? There's this idea that goes back to this, this false definition of resilience, that we have to be strong, that we have to, you know, walk it off, rub some dirt in it, overcome it, get that grit. You know, get hustle. Hustle. You gotta do this. Just push through and that those phrases only serve people who are not willing to enter the space with you, and people who want you to become or stay in a production mindset that makes them money.

Xenia: Correct!

Renae: So that is the only people that serves; it does not serve you to enter into that relationship with yourself and with other people. But you know, as believers, we are called enter into the emotional reality of each other. And it is as believers, we are called to be compassionate, like God is compassionate to us. And that word compassion literally translating to suffer with right that that is our, our role is connected humans, is to suffer with each other, which means we enter into that emotional reality. And it's the opposite of what you're receiving in other relationships that were supposed to be trusted, relationships like with the doctor, where your voice is heard, your experience is validated. And they may not be experiencing the same thing, but they're honoring your internal wisdom. And I think that that's part of when we when we think about all the different ways that people might be experiencing invalidation when trying to share their experiences, and I would think about the statistically black women going to a doctor are the least heard population. They are the most dismiss population. And that that even that particular piece of it, of your story, it's telling this truth of, you know, my experience and my voice matters. And now you have a very clear example to say, like I knew what I was talking about. I, I, I'm an expert in me. I like to say that people have a PhD in themselves,

Xenia: Exactly, exactly, you know. And I'm so happy you mentioned the statistics, because not only are we the are the most under-protected and under-heard when we're going to the doctor, but we're also 2.3 times less likely to get the support. That we need in the workforce when we're experiencing any form of trauma, whether it's domestic abuse, whether it's invisible illnesses, whether it's whether it's physical disabilities, we are less likely, 2.3 less times less likely to statistically now, to get the support that we need from our employers. So we're on the battlefield for employment and employment fighting for equity. We end up in Battlefield fighting for equity when we need to be seen and heard and valued at the doctor's office. It's like we our voices are constantly being muted when we know our own bodies, and it's so unfortunate, you know, it's so it's so unfortunate. Which brings me to, you know, which brings me to this point of, of, when I do my speaking, explaining to like I said, it's okay, it's okay to allow people to lean into the pain, right? But it's, it's so important to redefine what resilience is for us, because resilience is not an option for us. It's a necessity. Like we don't have the we don't have a choice of saying, Well, you know what, I'm not, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna push through, I'm not gonna work hard. Like you said that it's that idea of what resilience is, push through. But that's not what real resilience is. Real resilience is having the capacity and the space and the vulnerability to be vulnerable to those around you so that you can be open enough to seek and act and receive the help that you need. That's true resilience. That's true resilience because me just powering through something. That's me just stuffing everything down, which eventually will roll over into something else, another form of illness, high blood pressure, heart attack, you know, migraines, there's so many other things of just pushing through under the regular term of resilience that will make us more sustainable to become and feel, you know, and so again, which brings me back to that connection of faith and hope, faith and hope and my Lastly, I will, I always say family. Family is not only by blood, but it's what you make it. Sometimes you have individuals who have close friends, who become like family to them, and who are more related with understanding than sometimes true relatives, you know? And it's not that's just the reality of life. That's not any one person's life, that's reality of all individuals. People connect on different levels for different reasons. And so when you're identifying your network of people, or your tribe of people. Well, when you're battling any type of trauma, it's important to understand and have that open sense of communication so that you can be resilient in the true form of expressing and acknowledging what's bothering you, and having a safety net of individuals who are willing to support you now and understanding that they may not always tell you what you want to hear, but they're going to tell you what you need to hear because they want the best for you, and that's the most important piece, having people in your circle who want the best for you, and who are willing to be there to support you through that so that connection, that connection of whether your faith is it of your faith, is it that you believe in, believe in God or the multi, whoever that is, Google, whoever that is to you, energy, the the earth, whatever That is, just understanding that there's a power beyond you that you look to and that you and that you receive, that you receive hope from that you receive blessings from that you receive the idea of, I'm not alone. And there's this peace. There's this peace that that that comes to you, where you begin to feel comfortable with the uncomfortable, because you understand that you're in a work. You're working your progress right? And that's what I call an incubation phase. That's the incubation phase of your life, when you begin to become uncomfortable, the uncomfortable, so that you can understand what you're going through, and you begin to love yourself through the trauma, you begin to fall in love with all the imperfections. You begin to fall in love with the flaws, the you know, the you begin to understand what this diagnosis means to you and what it means for you, and you begin to embrace this new version of yourself where you're saying, I'm not whatever this trauma is or whatever this illness or diagnosis is that doesn't define who I am. That's one portion of my life. It's a chapter. It's a chapter in this book of life of mine, and I'm not going to let it define me. I'm going to reshape what my life look like. And so that's why I'm so happy to be here. To stay on this platform, because TraumaWise, allows me to share in that with individuals and let them know that they're not alone.

Renae: It's beautiful. And there's like, a couple of things that I would like to talk about before we end, highlight and one of them is that when you talk about, and we've had this discussion briefly before, when we talk about “from trauma to triumph.” You know, I want to be really clear that we're not talking about the triumphalism that comes with and happily ever after. There's a bow on it that this for the credits roll the end that that's not, we're not talking about that something that's wrapped up and with a nice bow. What we're talking about is something that it's much greater and to hold in that holding of space, I think you were when you said having your experience and your voice muted and invalidated in the workplace, In the in the healthcare system, but also in ministry spaces, in church spaces, we are very uncomfortable with other people's discomfort if we have not practiced walking with people. And so there's this place again where we can be muted and invalidated because it there's spiritual bypassing that happens, and there's this again, even that push through to triumph is very different than what you're talking about. So I'd love for you to unpack your definition of triumph. You know, we're redefining things, right? We're redefining identity, we're redefining resilience, we're redefining the concept of triumph. So let's hear it

Xenia: Absolutely, and thank you for giving me opportunity to do it. I was waiting for that. And so yes. And so, like I said, we redefine all those things. And so my role, what I like to do, is redefine what triumph looks like, sound like, and feel like for someone who is experiencing some form of trauma. And so when I say trauma like you said, it's not about the bow, and it's not about the self, but only the celebration. But it's about identifying. It's about you. Re-identifying yourself. It's about you, for me, for me, my triumph was, my triumph was being able to not only be here today, but my triumph was in the small wins. My triumph was in the when I when I began to be able to shower, you know, on my own, when I began to be able to sit up and feed myself. Those are, those are all triumphs for me. There's my small wins. They're the things that I was able to say, like, No, I was I was at I was at point A, now I'm at point B, and I'm going to celebrate this for me, because although this may be minute to someone else, they don't understand what it took for me to get here. And so when I say you're moving from trauma to triumph. Triumph is whatever makes you be able to smile and give you that power of feeling like I'm moving forward. I'm putting one foot in front of the other as I am. I'm recognizing that I'm able to dismantle what other people think about me, because I know who I am. You know the triumph is in your ability to stand up for yourself, your ability to advocate for yourself, your ability to say, no more, I am no more. I am no longer willing to allow someone else to tear me down. I am not willing to allow sabotaging thoughts to take hold of me. Because you know what, I love me. I love me, and I understand that I have bad days, I understand that I have good days. But you know what those bad and good days together is what makes me who I am, and that representation, that representation of it's okay, it's okay to not be okay. And so when I say I redefine triumph, that's what I mean. The triumph is you understand that it's okay to not be okay. Your triumph is you recognizing and being able to say, You know what? I am setting these boundaries for myself because I am no longer willing to give people access to my mental and emotional space where they're going to put me in a place. Is where I'm only thinking down of myself, because when you're when you build, when you're battling with the illness, whether it's an invisible or physical illness, you're beating yourself up enough. You know you're beating yourself up enough. You don't need added stress from someone else telling you all the things that you can't do, all the things that you used to do that you can't do anymore. You know that, you know you're experiencing that those things don't turn off when they own when you close your eyes, they're still there although we although we want to think about like, oh, you know, I'm better, I'm okay. There's still time to live this days where I still mourn the old version of me. Yes, I know that there's this new version of me. I know that I'm in this a different place and a different space in my life, but there's still times that I'm more on that old version. And so I want to be clear when I say the triumph, the triumph is understanding that it's okay to do that. The triumph is understanding that, understanding that you're not alone. You don't have to be alone, but it's okay to sit in the silence so that you can get reconnected with yourself and whatever your faith is, or whatever your power that brings you comfort in your darkest times when you're able to identify that you have reached your triumph, because those are things that no one can take away from.

Renae: And so I am from the beginning of your story today, when we were we first sat down to have this conversation, and you said coming to terms with the change in your capacity that you could no longer do things, and that piece of telling the truth of your experience to yourself and to other people, it reminds me of the scripture where, Jesus says you need to come to me like a child. You need to come to me like a child. And the thing about a child is children are dependent on the in charge adults. In order to live, they cannot function fully. They maybe figure out how to physically function, but not mentally, not emotionally, not relationally. And so there could be a masking version of it, but we, we need that that mentorship, we need that relationship. We need to have that safe space to come back to over and over that, like when we pick up a baby who's in distress, and I love that. I've, I've talked about attachment and trauma around the world, and when I do this and talk about babies, it's pretty much the same phrase, or a version of the same phrase around the world, and it's, it's okay, I got you right. I got you and, and, and that piece of that, that piece that comes to us when we surrender the idea that we're the in charge, adult of the universe, and instead except that we are coming as children, saying, I'm at the end of my capacity. Lord God, I need you, And God's like I got you

Xenia: Exactly. I'm with you exactly. And I'm so happy you brought that up, because on my in my journey, and my journey of my journey of reconnecting, because it's not, it's not, it's not that I lost my faith, but I need to, I needed to realign. I needed to, I need to go deeper into my faith and then doing that part of, part of being able to do that was understanding that I didn't have to be all things to everybody, and I didn't have to do all things on my own. And so when I got to the point where I was, when I when I got to the point when I say, I surrender myself. I surrender myself wholeheartedly, my mind, my body, my spirit, I surrender this illness, I suddenly give it all to you. I can't fix this. I need you to fix it for me, you know. And so that was a part that was a part of me returning back and understanding that I am not although, like you said, we want to believe we are in control, there's something higher than us that is in control, you know. And so it's important to understand that it's okay, it's okay to surrender yourself and understand it's okay to put things down. I realized I was carrying so many things that I didn't need to carry, you know. And so it gets to, you know, in the workforce, you say. Outsource, right? I need outsource. I outsource myself. I outsource myself to God. And I said, Listen, I'm returning to you, not that I left you, but I lay myself at your feet or your in your mercy. I lay myself at your feet in your mercy. And I need you to show me. Show me what it is that I'm supposed to see. And in that I began to realize that I was forcing myself to see a vision that wasn't mine. The vision was his. The mission was mine. The mission was me being able to understand that it was time for me to surrender. It was time for me to surrender. It was time for me to put things down so that I could be restored. And so I share that with everyone today, the vision, the vision is yours. The mission is so it's okay if you do not see the vision right away. Focus on, focus on the mission focus on understanding yourself. That's the mission. Focus on doing that self identity, that self awareness inventory, that getting to know the people who are around you in your circle, setting clear boundaries, holding people accountable to meeting those boundaries and being okay, removing those who are not, those who are not willing to feed your feed your soul, feed your mind. Those are who are not willing to be a strong pillar for you on the days that you are weak, you're going to lose some friends, you're going to lose some co workers. You might separate with some family members. Like we all have toxic people that come in, and sometimes it's not intent of toxic, but some people are not in a path, in their space, in their mind, in their life, their own journey, where they're capable of being able to show up in the way that you need to, and that's okay. The important part is you being able to understand that right now, in my stage of life, that's not working for me, because it's not allowing me to show up for myself the way I need to, you know? So it's okay to be able to do that. That brings us back to those small triumphs, but that also brings us back to that gate COVID family understanding of what that looks like, so that you can be the best version of yourself. And so I bring that to the cult before we close out with that's the purpose of my books, grieving to hell, the reconditioning the gods, loving yourself through the trauma, the courageous pursuit of authenticity and triumph in the trenches. They're all connected and safe. They're all connected and understanding self, but they're also connected in healing. And I believe that's the connection to TraumaWise. TraumaWise is about recognizing that you're not alone, recognizing that there's a spiritual connection whether, like I said, no matter what your faith is, there's some type of connection that you have, a belief that elevates you and allows you to be better and want to be better and have hope.

Renae: Well, We are so grateful. I'm gonna speak for everyone who's listening, because I know that they're going to express gratitude. I know that I'm grateful for you sharing your story and having this dialog with me where we can, we can unpack together. And I think that that's what's it's modeling what we're talking about, and we don't. We're not shouting into a void. We're walking alongside each other. We are not. God never intended for us to be independent. That was there is not the word independent is nowhere in Scripture. I will one another, community, connected, family, all that is over and over and over again, and how we are to be toward each other. And so I thank you for sharing that heart of God and that the way that God is moving through and with you in your story, and I'm glad that you have joined us and are part of the community. And thank you, thank you for sharing today.

Xenia: Oh, thank you so much for having me.