Make Safety Feelable: Safe Adults, Substitutes & the School-Home Team (with Karen Yingling)

Renae: Well, welcome Karen to our first ever TraumaWise parenting Summit. Glad to have you here.

Karen: I'm excited to be here. I The Education one is fantastic. I'm super excited for the parenting one

Renae: wonderful Well, we know each other fairly well for a while, and I'm fully aware that a lot of people who are calling in, who are listening or watching the videos, this is their first time getting to know you, and so I'd love for you to do a little bit of an intro for yourself.

Karen: Sure, sure, I am a wife, a mom, a parent, an educational advocate in all of those things and some of those things at the same time, I have seven children. My oldest is 35 my youngest is nine. So I have been parenting for a large portion of my adult life. I've probably, at this point been parenting longer than I haven't mom of seven. Grandmom to seven granddaughters. So we grow girls in our family. Of my seven children, I have five girls and two boys. So. So all of My children have some kind of trauma in their history. My oldest two are my bonus kids. They're my husband's biological children. They came to me when they were 12 and seven. So I got to experience my first experience parenting was a teenage girl, and I'm here to tell you, there's life on the other side of parenting a teenage girl, several of them, my middle four are internationally adopted, two with very significant and severe physical disabilities and or I guess, emotional disabilities, less physical. One of them has some medical trauma and disabilities, and then my youngest, we are kinship guardian, although he's been with us since he was five weeks old. So I've been in educational advocate for 15 years, anecdotally and non professionally, and professionally about seven or eight,

Renae: excellent so, so when we're talking about the concept of TraumaWise parenting and the three pillars of TraumaWise care, being felt safety, connection and co-regulation, with when we talk, we have a lot of really great speakers about felt safety. And I know that that is a that is a go to point one for you in every container that you're in to say, create felt safety. So that's that's like a baseline. And we start from there at the bottom of the brain, and then we move up into this connection part, where, if we don't have felt safety, we the connection doesn't feel safe. And so we're not building on a foundation, but when we get those two things together, then we get into what I kind of think of as like the advanced part of parenting, of caregiving, and that is co-regulation. And people have heard me say a lot during the summit that regulation is not calm. Regulation means that I am able to get my brain and body to where it needs to be for whatever the circumstances are in front of me, that I have some capacity and I have some strategy for that, and that because little brains and bodies and traumatized brains and bodies have a hard time with that as caregivers, we're often helping them to co-regulate, right? And so I'd love to hear from you with all of this experience, both in education and with the parenting for more often, more often of your more part of your life than you haven't. What are some things that you can share with the audience about, how do we create those containers where people can actually succeed, even in the face of being in the midst of healing from trauma? Yeah,

Karen: that's a great question, and I love how you describe it, because that felt safety is what I will often go in, especially in an IEP meeting, and talk about right away. Is one of the questions I always ask for all my kids is, who are their safe people at school, who are the people that they can because without the felt safety, I can't even get to the co-regulation. A teacher who does not make a child feel safe cannot help regulate that child. Parent who creates that that chaos in that child can't help regulate that child. So that felt safety is sort of the first baseline and understanding that that is not something that can be manufactured. You can't pretend to make a child feel safe. You know, oftentimes when we first got into the parenting journey, I heard the fake it till you make it feel Yes. But no, because my kids actually, especially my children with disabilities, see right through that in an instant. My 19 year old autistic, intellectually disabled child can tell within about two minutes if somebody likes them genuinely from the heart and makes them feel safe or not. And I mean, there is no faking it with that kid. She just sees right through it. And whether that's a whether that's developed because of her disability or because in a trauma from a trauma history, kids have to be able to ascertain that relatively quickly in order to be safe, safe, you can't. So I will often when I'm working with an educational team, there have been IEP meetings where I've walked away and I've told the parents, we just need to ask for a change of teacher, because that teacher doesn't like your kid, and that's okay. Not everybody has to like everybody, but if I have a teacher that doesn't like a student for whatever reason, often times, I suspect if you could peek back the curtain into that teacher's world, it would be because that child triggered that teacher's own trauma. So I think that in order to get to that co-regulation, you have to be able to recognize your own things. So at. Teacher who has been through a horrible divorce as a child, for example, is going to struggle with a child whose parents are going through a horrible divorce, unless he or she can actually go, oh, this is what's happening, and here's how it's happening. So I think that whole container of creating safety, and it starts with us as the adults, we can never expect our children to create the safe place. That's just an unrealistic expectation. So anytime I hear it, you say, well, but child has to, I'm like, hold on, he's six. He can't, he can't remember to go to the bathroom on his own some days, so we have to do it for him. I don't know if that answered the question, but that is a big like without that felt safety, and the team has to be willing to recognize that that's important and not Well, I'm a safe person, and I didn't ask if you think you're the child safe person. I want to know who that child thinks is their safe person. And that's a very different question,

Renae: absolutely. And so even so the and this is why these, these pillars, aren't separate. They there. You don't separate them. They exist at the same time. There is an order to it because of how neurological or, you know, our neurobiological development of attachment starts with safety, connection and then co-regulation. But they're all together at the same time, and so even that changing of the teacher, that's a co-regulation piece, because it's, it's addressing the environment, right? So I think that that's a piece of as as parents, we often will think, but I you know, the door, the doors closed, there's food in the fridge. The kids are closed. The lights are on. They have TV time. They I don't hit them. I don't I try not to yell. Certainly, they're safe. And yet, there might be things in the environment, whether, whether that children, that those children were biological, or whether they are come from another place, whether they're just even hanging out in the space there we there's they come with a an underpinning of biology, and Then their experiences, which then changes their biology. So what are the ways that we help parents to recognize that without taking it personal?

Karen: I don't think you can. I think parents have to understand that it's going to feel personal. It is personal, and that's okay. I think that's really it. You can't depersonalize it. You can accept that it's personal and that that's okay. I think it's we're all human as parents, and so to ask, you know, if my child is reactive to something my husband does, he's going to take it personally. And I'm sorry, honey, if you're listening, I'm sorry for those of you who know my husband, he's going to take it personally, like, if I say to him, you cannot do that to to or say those things, he's going to take it personal. The question is is, can we move through that as adults, whether we are teachers or parents or babysitters or any, whatever role as an adult we feel in that child's light? Can we move through that, and can we depersonalize it to the extent that we can put ourselves in the child's shoes and see it through their eyes? One of the struggles I really have, and I can get a little feisty about it, is when people say, well, that child should know that I love them. They're safe this, you know, whatever, yes, and they don't, because their history, their biology, whatever they are bringing to the table, whether a biological child, like whatever it is, tells them something different. And that's okay. We don't need to be all in our in our fields about it. As grown ups, we can say that makes sense, not maybe to me, but to them. It does, therefore it's just as valid. So as you know, when my parenting, I will look at something and go, I have told that child 1000 times. How come they still don't understand that whatever it is, and it actually doesn't matter. They don't, and my job is to help them. So yeah, I think, and whatnot, that's

Renae: part of the co-regulation, right, right, right. I have to regulate.

Karen: I have to stay in that space of I'm okay, and if I'm not, I have to recognize it and remove myself, and, quite frankly, pull my crap together and go back in. I don't have the luxury of walking away, whether I'm a teacher or a parent. I that is my job is to co-regulate, right?

Renae: And I don't like it when when you have team members that you can. Tap out for a moment. And that's, that's the goal. I think that's the goal of IEP teams. I think that's the goal of caregiving teams. The goal of people who co parent, whatever, whatever that looks like, right? Is being, you know, is you ask that question of what is, who's that child, safe person. It's also important for us to the adult, for every adult, to identify who are your safe people,

Karen: right? Where do I go when I need to my we all have it if we look deep, especially as women, because we feel we tend to foster those, those those relationships, but we have friends that when we are internally, deep down inside of us, indignant and but wrong about something, I know that I have friends I can call, and they will share in my indignation if I that's what I need, right if I need somebody to just be as angry as I am and ticked off as I am about something, even if I'm wrong. And then I also know that I have those friends who are going to call going to call who are going to let me go for five minutes and then go, you're wrong. Knock it off, right? And we all internally develop that innate sense of where we go when we need something, and giving our kids access to those pathways. You know, one of the things I talked to my teen parents a lot about, and as the mom of a lot of teens, was I don't actually care if my teens talk to me about safe, tough things. I need them to talk to somebody, and sometimes it's not me. So my job actually isn't to be the one person they bring everything to, because I don't as a X number of years old adults with a lot with a large resource of really well developed resources. There's not one person who gets all of my stuff, even my husband. There are things that are just better off for him than I not to talk to. So why do we have this expectation with our teenagers, especially, that they're going to bring everything to us. Yeah, I don't, I don't want them to. I want them to have that variety of safe people that they can go to. So I really talk to to kids and to teams about that, about who are the people on the teams? And I, you know, to parents, look no and there's, there's laws that, especially in our state, protect kids after age of 12 for talking about tough things with other adults, safe adults, adults who are regulated, adults who are able to help them process all of the things our teenagers process. So one of the there's a lot of parenting failures, I have had probably a lot more successes, but one of the successes is that, especially for my children, who have deep needs, they have other adults that they talk to. And I don't need to know about it. You know, my my 1516, year old. She has adults, well, she's 18 now, but she has adults that she processes things with. They're not me, and that's okay, because she's getting wise advice and wise support. So build your village. Build that community of people, not just to like watch the five year old when you need help watching the five year old, but to be that another adult for that child, because that's the relationships that the more levels you have on that the more safe teachers, the more safe counselors. I don't care if it's the custodian at school. I don't really the bus driver. You know my my husband is a bus driver, and he has a little girl who talks to him on the bus, and it blows the mom away, because she don't really talk to anybody else. He's a safe adult for her. And that's that is, the more that our kids have these safe adults to go to, the better they are. So as parents, depersonalize it. You don't have to be the do all, be all and end all for your child.

Renae: Absolutely, absolutely. It was the the best visualization I got was from a social worker who came to one of the parenting classes I was teaching, which is, is lovely, like, I love social workers, like, I still have things to learn. And we were talking about attachment, and she said, I like to think about attachment, like, and I'm going to use a brand name here, like Velcro, and that every, every time that child has an interaction with a safe adult, it's building a loop on their heart so that they're able to better attach as their life, right? So we don't

Karen: have to be that visual. That is a great visual. And I think, you know, again and and I guess part of my intro should have been, I am a breast cancer survivor. I had very severe breast cancer, very, very old, like this, far away from stage four breast cancer in during covid. So it was a very frightening time for my children and for me, but really for them. And what it showed me was my. Mortality dictates my children need to have a bigger village than me. Yeah, my all of my children, my my neurotypicals, my disabled kids, my bio, all of them need that deep pool of resources for attachment because I'm a mortal human right? And, you know, all their eggs can't be in my basket, and I don't, quite frankly, want that responsibility either. That is just way too much pressure for me,

Renae: right? Is because, as parents, this is where we build resentments with our kids, is if we are the end all be all, there's no room for us, right? And that's where we start there. I mean, there's so much that develops in that and and then we we start to, we start to, potentially even feel disgust toward our children because, but I always say to people, I'm like, Listen, if you got into the part where, when you hear them call you, you roll your eyes is just an indication that you need more support, like we're not going to like play flame and shame, that you like dreading engaging with them. It's it is your it is your gaslight coming on saying you need more resource. You need help.

Karen: I had a friend who when her little one, she adopted her from China, and it's such a great it's always been a great reminder to me, because this was 10 years ago, 15 years ago, and she said this child was a very early riser, and she was emotionally exhausting, especially when she was little. And so she and her husband lying in bed, and they'd hear her come down the hall and be like, Oh, what do you want go back to bed? And one day, she woke up and she thought, imagine if that was the first words I heard from somebody in the morning. And she did exactly that. She goes, Okay, so what's going on here for me? So those aren't my first words, not I'm just not going to say them, but what's happening for me that I'm having this reaction a lot of us don't have, especially for parenting a child, you know, who's has some kind of developmental neurotypic cap, and you know neuro diversity that you know, something that qualifies them and puts them in that special ed category. We are exhausted by warrior momming All day long for our kids, and we don't have any fight left in us to warrior mom for ourselves, but it's really important to do that and to put down the warrior mom thing every once in a while and just be like, it's okay.

Renae: And I think your your point as to expanding your your village, building that village out, in some respects, allows other people to step in the gap for you and advocate for you, to say, no, it's it's actually okay. We had it. We actually had an interaction this weekend, you and I with with family members. And one family member, you said, sit down with me and have a pizza birthday cake with me. Mm, hmm. And it was, I know I got it. And so one me stepped in. It was like, You go sit down and have a piece of birthday cake. Someone else can step in. It's like the relationship. It needs to be relationship over task, and we forget that when we're in such a caregiving mode and so having safe people are no one was offended that I said, go over here and eat this cake. I got this

Karen: right. It was a help. It's allowing it's allowing space for somebody else to step in which can feel like I'm not doing it well enough. Mm, hmm, right. If somebody says to me, Hey, let me do this, my first reaction often is because I am like, one of my identity markers is competency. I'm really good at the things I do. So if you step into something I'm doing and say, let me do this, my reception of that can be, oh, I'm not doing it well enough. Instead of oh, they're freeing up space for me to do what I need to do. And I really I want to that task piece of it. We live in such a production and oriented society, if you are not producing something, if you are not working, if you are not doing that thing, there's no value to your time and what you're doing and and we also have 1000 tasks every day as moms, we have to do like, that's just how it is. So so that task prioritizing, task over relationship is I am so guilty of that. I'm so guilty. My kids will be like, Hey, watch a movie with us. And I'm like, I can't. I have to. And I have a list, because I always have a list. Because there's 1000 bazillion things I have to do. So I've had to work really hard to put some bumpers in place to say, You know what, after five. So for all of my clients listening, that's why I'm not answering your text after five o'clock at night. But I want them to do it too. I want them to put it away. One of the things that I do frequently when I'm not overwhelmed by all the other stuff is when I send out my letter about Christmas, right? I send out a Christmas letter, holiday letter, Christmas letter to, you know, in the early December saying, Hey, here's my schedule, here's some things to think about. But one of the things I always tell my parents is, all your school stuff, all that stuff you've been carrying, you have two weeks, three weeks off from school, put it in a in a box, but whether it's a physical box or just an emotional box, put it on the shelf and walk away from it for a couple weeks. It's okay. It's okay. Don't read that report. Don't do that. We all need to do that, and we really stink at it, because that list is really long, and it's always seems like it's there. But that task over relationships can be really damaging to our children and to ourselves, because we forget about that connection we need with our kids. We forget about that. I will tell my parents all the time, especially before breaks, go enjoy your child. Go enjoy your child, your child with autism that you feel like you can't take anywhere, and you know what, whatever is happening for your child right now, just go enjoy them. Find that space where they are happy and regulated, and sit in that space with them, instead of trying to fix all the problems, instead of trying to accommodate everything, instead of battling the day, just go enjoy your kid, whatever that looks like for you and your child, we need to be reminded of the relationship in order to keep fighting the battles. Because the battles aren't going away. If anything, they're getting harder and worse and bigger and uglier and scarier. So we need to, and it's not a fill your bucket like that. Fill in your bucket. I like that. It's it's remembering and getting back to that place of compassion, back to that place of connection. Absolutely, have the energy to fight the battle.