When Your Body Doesn’t Feel Safe: Neurodivergence, Regulation, and Reconnection (with Katherine Connolly)

Renae: Well, hello, Katherine and welcome to this year's TraumaWise Education Summit. Glad to have you here.

Katherine: Thank you very much for having me.

Renae: Well, I'm really excited for what you have to share with, um, everybody who's, who's coming to the summit and, and also people who will be listening on the podcast episode of this. Um, because I really appreciate the lens that you are bringing to this conversation. And so I want to get other people excited about this too. So I'd love to have you introduce, introduce yourself at the beginning here.

Katherine: Yeah, sure. So my name is Catherine Connolly. I am a neuro affirming somatic clinical counselor. Nice mouthfuls. I like to work with. Um, I'm a craniosacral therapist and a mom to two of neurodivergent family. So I live and breathe this.

Renae: And, and what prompted you to, uh, get into that type of work?

Katherine: Um, it was really my childhood, so I, I grew up, um, I'm autistic and ADHD. Um, I grew up knowing that I was a very sensitive, prone to anxiety child. My mom gave me the tools or some of the tools, um, from actually my grandmother's, uh, so that breathwork and tuning into the body, she used to ask me, what is your body saying? Um, and then when I was about seven years old, I didn't want to play with my little cousins after dinner. So I would go through my Gran seventy style yoga book and play with the forms. And I started to release or realize that some of those forms helped me to release emotions in my body. So that was the very beginning. Fast forward, uh, into my early twenties, I had a near-death experience. Nothing too crazy, but it was life changing. Um, and what I learned through that is, I had to make a very conscious choice to reconnect with my body in order to heal. And it was like so much was cleared through that. It was quite I don't even have the words for it. Um, it was quite an experience. Um, and so really since then, it's been my mission to help people and to help reconnect people to their bodies and to tune into their innate wisdom. Beautiful.

Renae: Well, and it's your, is your sharing about that. It, it, you know, brings to mind the, the idea that, we as humans require felt safety in order to be able to engage, whether that's with ourselves, with the outside world, with, you know, with other people. And, and that we often will disconnect from our, our bodies because of a lack of safety. And so what are when you, when you think about that, um, permission and dedication that you, you know, committed to yourself to be able to reconnect to your body, um, what were some of the things that you had identified that made your body not feel safe?

Katherine: There is lots of trauma. Definitely. Um, and yeah, it just, I, I didn't feel safe in my body anymore. And so I disconnected. And unfortunately, this is very common, particularly for neurodivergent and sensitive children and teens and people. Um, there's already that sort of inclination to not be fully embodied often. Um, and to be, um, maybe not connected to those physiological sensations in the body or interoception and to feel safer kind of in the ether, if you will. Um, so it's, it's quite an interesting area to work in. So I realized then and there that I needed to go home, put my studies aside. I was in university, um, and I needed to reconnect to my meditation practice. That's what spoke to me. Um, and to really reconnect with my body and to build that capacity within my body, because I literally and figuratively been running away from my body. And so that took my body dysmorphia, etc. or eating disorders.

Renae: Um, and I, and I appreciate that the connection that, that you made with the, in its, in its grand actually, that you didn't go into detail about the trauma just because the trauma is very widespread now because of the pandemic, that we've experienced this collective trauma because of what happened in our systems, breaking down in misinformation in and fear and all of the effects of that that continue to ripple. And then we've had all sorts of other, um, really impactful social issues that have arisen in the last five years. And more than that, but specifically in the last five years. And so, um, there's that trauma, but then also you, you know, speaking to, um, as a neurodivergent person myself and being late diagnosis, um, not realizing, um, how hard life has actually been. Um, and, and finally getting some answers as to why, but the, the rejection piece of it. Um, and the, and the impact of that and how it becomes a trauma, um, which probably does speak to the lack of safety in the body. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Katherine: Yeah, absolutely. And I think the rejection sensitivity piece is really important to think about because if we so I kind of go back to those early years. So our pre-verbal years when, um, we're really absorbing everything in so many of our subconscious patterns are kind of laid down as our foundations as to how we, um, how we seek belonging and attachment and safety. And so that can be really difficult to access through cognitive or, um, sort of verbal, uh, therapy, if you will, we can do our best, but it really is alive in the body. It's so Conscious. So I think that lays an important foundation for the rejection sensitivity piece. Um, there's numerous sort of aspects to it, but then of course it gets layered as we grow up. Right. And so we start to wonder what is wrong with me. And it becomes or becomes, excuse me, this shame. Yeah. And so then there's also that aspect where we likely start to reject aspects or ourself. So it's um, it's a ripple effect. Um, and so I think we can look at it maybe on the surface level and understand it cognitively, which is, is important to do, but then what is, what is alive beneath that? What are we carrying in our bodies and in our subconscious patterning and in our energy body even? Right. So really considering the a very holistic approach and those deep layers and how that plays out in the internal and our external world and environments. So yeah. Does that answer your question?

Renae: Yeah, absolutely. Um, and it, and it occurs to me too, as you're talking about the, the preverbal and in early childhood pieces that it is, you are, um, we are biologically wired to seek comfort, to seek, um, regulation, to seek support from safe people from the moment that we are born and that, that co-regulation piece becomes our internalized self-regulation. Um, and so, but, but if we are expressing those needs in ways that maybe don't line up with how other people's brains are wired. I would imagine that that presents some challenges for caregiver to be able to tune in the same way and regulate. And so I'm wondering what if you've, um, have any work that you've done in that or observations around that as well.

Katherine: Yeah. I think this is a really interesting sort of space to explore because we look at parents who aren't supported in their early years, right? I mean, maybe, maybe the pregnancy and the birth was traumatic, which is in some form or shape. It very often is either for one or both of the parents and or the child. And so then you have this family unit and family nervous system that carries on without having the support to kind of work through this sometimes, Sometimes. Only sometimes do moms get support. Dads never get support, or the partner never gets support. And so that really sets the stage right. Um, and then so we wonder why we see so much postpartum anxiety and depression. And I went through, I struggled with postpartum anxiety with my eldest and, uh, quite a severe postpartum depression with my youngest. And I feel very fortunate that I did have fairly good support. Um, and so I say this from a space of humility. And like I, I had the tools and I was still immensely struggling and struggling to even give it voice and to validate myself and the experience and to ask for help. Um, so I just like to share that because I think so many people feel badly asking for help, but it's really the best thing that you can do for yourself, your family, your child. Um, so anyways, I finally did get the courage and thankfully everything's good. But, um, yeah, so then we see these parents who are likely struggling, and then these children who are not able to get that safety and attunement and belonging needs met for various reasons. And sometimes there's also sort of like you're saying, mismatches in the way we, um, connect. Um, so maybe you have a very sensory seeking child and you're overwhelmed and need a lot of freedom and space. So right there can be that mismatch. So how do you handle that? Right? Um, that's just one small example. And then the child goes to maybe preschool or daycare. And so what does the attunement look like and safety look like in that setting? So it's and then the child goes to school, right? So there's layers to this. And I think because there are layers, there's also several access points that we can provide support. Um, but it's, I feel for these children, I mean, they're growing up in a very complex world where their systems are not supported. So how are they going to fare?

Renae: Yeah.

Katherine: Long answer, but.

Renae: No, it's great. Um, and so let's talk about some of those access points. Where are some of the opportunities? Um, especially when we're talking about the education system and, um, the, the, the educators who are the, um, substitute parents in because they are a caregiver in that space during that time and looked at as the in charge adult that is meant to provide safety and connection and co-regulation, um, where are those access points? What would that look like?

Katherine: Yeah. So there's, there's a few different things we can do, but really, I mean, I feel for educators.

Renae: Yeah.

Katherine: I, I have two children. And I find sometimes that can be overwhelming. Not always, but it can be overwhelming. And so I have to look after myself. Teachers have classes of twenty five to thirty.

Renae: Yeah.

Katherine: And they're there all day, every day. Through thick and thin and very often with very little support. Yeah. So my heart really goes out to teachers. I think they are incredible Humans and obviously go into this work with so much love and dedication, but also having that, that dedication and that love, and often empathy goes with it. It's very easy for the educators to burn out, right? I mean, they're absorbing everything. So it becomes very difficult to be that emotional rock in a way. So I think the first step. I mean, you can go about this any which way you like, but I think one, we need more support for educators. And if you don't see it for educators, it's for our future generation. So look at the mental health costs. Like if we're really going to look at this from a purely cost perspective, like let's look at the future implications. But for educators, we need more support. If they're not getting the support, how can educate or support themselves. And so one of the ways that I like to help my clients look at this is through the window of tolerance framework, and it is just a framework. I appreciate it's been under fire recently. Um, but I think it is helpful to understand, um, sort of where we're at as a gauge for, okay, this is when I need help because I can't go into burnout. Yeah. And I say this as someone who's been through three clinical burnouts, it wreaks havoc on your system. So, um, you'll have that, that sheet, that PDF. Um, so in the middle section, what we're seeing is that parasympathetic state. So when we're in a state of rest digest connect. So what I'd like you to do is just either recall a time when you've been in this state or if you are. Ideally, what does it look like emotionally for you? What do you notice in your body? Are you able to feel your feet connected to the earth? Do you notice your shoulders? Do they feel soft? What do you notice in your jaw? What about your breath? And sort of tapping into some of those physiological cues. And so we fluctuate between sympathetic and parasympathetic throughout the day. Totally normal. Um, but what we're seeing is more people kind of stuck in a sympathetic or in an activated state. So in that upper window, um, that's that activation or sympathetic state. So that's where we see fight flight and freeze. Um, the fawn state, which is sort of people pleasing, playing small can also fit in there. Um, There's debate whether it's parasympathetic or not. I think it fits more in the freeze because it's a protective response.

Renae: Agreed. Yeah.

Katherine: Um and it's a protective response that many women fall into or use. Um, so. Thinking again, what is it looking like in your body when you're in this state? So again, are you able to notice your feet? What do you notice in your hips? Your back is there bracing? How has your breath pattern changed? What do you notice in your neck and jaw? So starting to tap into more of those physiological cues. Um, maybe you notice thought patterns or behaviors. Maybe you notice that you're more short and um, less able to really deeply connect, which is very common. We're in a protective state here, right? So remembering that, um, and then in that bottom section, that's burnout. That's when we've been in that sympathetic state for too long and our body is saying, no more. I'm shutting down. And it takes a long time to recover. And particularly for women like it does wreak havoc on our adrenal system and everything else. So what I like to look at in particular is that upregulation between that middle window, the parasympathetic and that sympathetic. So just as an example, maybe when you get up in the morning, you start your day not looking at your phone, just taking a few moments, half an hour for yourself to relax, breathe, connect. Ideally, you're in that parasympathetic. Then maybe you go to have a coffee and you get going for the day. So you're naturally going to start upregulating here and moving more into that sympathetic. That is. That's okay. That's good. Um, and so we're starting to get prepared for the day. What are those physiological responses as you might move into more of that sympathetic. What do you start to notice changing in your body. Are there thought patterns that come up at that time. Are there emotions that come up? And then how do you help to unwind and bring yourself back into that parasympathetic? And this, like I was saying, is where many people kind of get stuck. They stay in that sympathetic. And then if we're there for too long, we end up in burnout. So I think that can be a very helpful tool to use for ourselves even and even for children.

Renae: Yeah.

Katherine: And obviously our, the tools will be different for everybody as to what helps bring us sensory safety and safety within the body?

Renae: Absolutely.

Renae: Well, I appreciate the, um, the, the tangible nature of this, right. That it's, it's saying there's, um, we are not static creatures. We are very dynamic and we are both reactive and responsive. And we hope to do is to create strategies, uh, patterns of experience that become strategies that help us to respond versus to react, that let us be more aware, more attuned to recapture some of that interception and, and further develop that. And as I'm, as I'm listening to you talk about that, that tool, um, you know, often when I'm working with people, I'd say, you know, it's, it's when the wheel has already come off the bus. This is not the time that we stop and say, I wonder what the tire pressure is. That's not going to be very helpful. So what kind of patterns do you want to maybe suggest for, for when it is a good time to go through these exercises or how often or frequency?

Katherine: Um, I think it's a bit of a, well, what I've said to clients for I guess fifteen years now is if you can find an anchor point in your body that feels safe for you. So maybe it's your feet, maybe it's your hips, maybe it's your breath or your heart space. Perhaps it's the jaw and notice, okay, what am I? What am I tuning into here? AM I able to even connect with this space? And so if we can connect with it regularly during calm parts of our day, it makes it easier to access during challenging moments. It's like a muscle that we have to build, right? And this is not something that we're taught, by and large. But before, like you're sort of alluding to before we're able to do that. Like if we're in a crisis, we're not going to be able to do that. The first thing we need to do is create safety. Um, and then build capacity to be able to tune in. And that's where so many people are right now. So what is it that you need to do now to create safety in your environment and then in your body and do that first?

Renae: Absolutely. And, and there's a, there's a couple of, of things, um, you know, you mentioned the getting up in the morning and not immediately looking at your phone. And I think that that this is physiologically, this is actually really important because, um, part of us moving out of a sympathetic state. Where we're activated is orientation, and orientation requires our eyes to be up and out. And if it's down and in, then we this is where we get stuck in those in some of those thought loops or some of those, those patterns, um, or we, you know, even with dopamine or dopamine mining, which we call dopamine in my house, um, where we're, it's like that, that early morning phone scroll and the awareness of, um, what my body is really seeking is connection. Yeah. And, and instead of it being from the phone, it's, it's the, where can I find this up and out and orienting and that helps to provide safety and not instead of just dopamine from touching a screen.

Renae: Yes, I love that.

Katherine: And I love the dopamine. That's a great term. That's a good one.

Renae: And, and then the other part is the, um, you know, when you're talking about us being stuck a little more in our, um, sympathetic state that that activated state. I think that some of it might be because we're often scared to lose momentum. There is this, this idea that if we take a break that, um, we, we live in very competitive spaces, right? This idea that there's not enough resources and if we take our eye off the ball, someone else is going to, to, to, to win or that the that there's only so much. And so we have to continue to, to push and to hustle and to, to show up and be present. Um, and that, that if we stop, we also probably deep down inside scared that, um, we're really going to stop like that we won't be able to start back up again. And so, um, do you have any wisdom that you can share about that.

Katherine: Yeah. And I do see this with lots of people that I work with. It's common. I, I recognize I went through it myself right before my NDE. Um, and I think it goes back to really those early years and that patterning of safety. So what I encourage people to look at is, okay, so how did you successfully seek safety and connection in your early years? What did you need to do? What did you need to override? And so that can be really interesting. It's, it's a little difficult to tap into without working with the body. Um, when we're looking at the pre-verbal years. So like two and under. Um, but it's, that's not, it's not real, right? I mean, we're living in a society that breeds fear.

Renae: Right?

Katherine: And competition, as you said. Um, and so I think choosing to prioritize yourself is quite radical in our world and so needed. And I think it can be really refreshing to others around you when you say, you know, sorry, I'm busy this weekend doing nothing for me. Right. It's, it just gives other people that space to be like, oh, I can do that. So it's, it's interesting. I don't think it's as complex sometimes as we make it out to be. I mean, of course, those subconscious patterns are a little more nuanced, but there's also very simple things like not looking at our phone for the first hour, like you said, and understanding, okay, I am seeking connection. How can I seek this in a way that actually supports my physiology?

Renae: Right. Right.

Renae: Um, I have a question for you. I, I hear an accent in your, in your voice and, um, I would love to, um, I, there is something right at the beginning of the conversation where you talked about the wisdom of your grandmother. Um, and that, um, one thing that we have, um, um, noticed is that when, when people are disconnected from their heritage, they lose their connection to the wisdom of the elders. But I'm hearing a connection to the wisdom of the elders. And so I would love to hear, you know, if you would share a little bit about that because it's in your voice even.

Katherine: Well thank you. Um, it's funny because I was speaking earlier this morning with someone who's Irish. Um, my family on both sides are Irish. My mom is Irish, Austrian. Um, but yeah, my mom was born in Dublin. Uh, so there is some Irish accent, um, that very few people pick up. So good ear. But yeah, I think what you're saying about really connecting to that, that wisdom, I mean, first, there's so much support there, right? There is true wisdom and we live in, again, sort of fear based, isolated societies. And even as much as we like to think technology connects us and it can for sure. Absolutely. It's how we're using it though. Um, there's also that real need for deep. like intimate connection, right? And real felt connection where we can feel the other person. Um, and so yeah, I, I, I think being able to tap into your roots and understand. Understand where your family came from and understand those patterns that might have been informing you and how you were raised. I mean, we look at like RNA, right? So in studies, what's the book called? I read it many years ago. It didn't start with you by Mark Baldwin. I think, um, there's a study on rats and the grandparent generation where it's kind of sad, but they were like traumatized by pressing a button and two generations later, so the grandchildren, They weren't around when the grandfather rats were there. They had the same fear to that button. So I think it's important to really take a holistic approach and understand, you know, what has been passed along. And I think that's where a lot of power comes up in our healing and being able to heal those generational lines backwards and forwards. Um, it's it's work. I'm not going to lie. And so this is something I would only dive into if you really do have capacity. Um, and with, with a professional, ideally who can support you. Um, because we don't know what's going to come up sometimes and it's nice to have that relationship. Um, but it is really, it can be very insightful.

Renae: Yeah.

Renae: Well, And as you spoke to before that, how, um, how we notice things in our bodies, how we label it, what the meanings that we give things where our anchors show up, um, are, are things that absolutely can be, um, impacted by culture, by genetics, by our experiences. And so that's part of why it looks so different for everyone, um, that we don't have to have the same type of morning schedule, um, Instagram, um, practices than anyone else. It, it really is developing that self trust to listen to what our body is telling us.

Renae: Yes.

Katherine: Yeah. And I think that's so important. I mean, we're all so unique. So that's another thing I've said for many years, like make this your own. This is for you. It should be nourishing your soul, not anyone else's.

Renae: Beautiful.

Katherine: Yes. Listen to your heart.

Renae: Beautiful. Well, I. I am really thankful for you sharing your story and your wisdom and your experience and and creating a way to, um, help people to tune in to themselves, to notice their patterns and to, um, start to develop that the community, um, and that relationship with themselves and with others, and especially for our, our educators who are holding this huge mental and emotional load every single day. Um, as we, we value them. Um, it is in, and I'm sure that they love the Starbucks gift cards and, um, that perhaps that, um, part of how we, you know, if we're, if we're a parent or a, a person who's engaging with an educator, um, that part of supporting them is to do our work in this area too, so that we're not reactive when we're having conversations. And then for the educators to, to hear that you're, you're not alone, um, that your experience of overwhelm is not, um, something that you made up and it's not something that you're only experiencing yourself, but that it's real and it exists. And so, um, Catherine, what, what last words would you like to leave? Um, with, with everyone attending the summit and listening on the podcast.

Katherine: I'd like to just say thank you to all of the educators, like a real heartfelt thank you. Your work is incredibly important.

Renae: Beautiful.

Renae: Thank you so much. Thank you for being with us.

Katherine: Thank you Renae.