Redefining Success in Parenting: A TraumaWise Panel on Connection, Grief, and Hope

Renae: So welcome to our speakers for joining us for the first ever Parenting Summit, TraumaWise Parenting Summit. There's been other summits, but this is the first TraumaWise parenting summit. Um, and we are we are gathered here to, um, really talk through, um, and share our experiences and, and hear from each other and hear the connections between the work that we're doing and the the ways that we are seeing hope, um, and ways forward in the world and in our community and in our work and in even our own lives. So, um, I'll begin with introductions, so I'm going to ask everyone to say your name, where they're calling from, what they're doing in this particular field. We'll keep all that very brief. And then the check in question for today is for you personally. What does success in parenting or caregiving look like? How will you know that you've been successful? Okay, so my name is Renae. I am the founder of TraumaWise. I am calling from the Los Angeles area. And I think I knew that I had had some success. See, I'm couching it all some success in parenting. When my children were able to tell me how how differently they felt and thought about things than I do, and it was with in a caring and loving way. We were all speaking to each other in a caring and loving way, but disagreeing. I think that at that moment I knew that, that we'd done something. Sorry, Cat. Um. That we did something right. Alright. Um, so I think the first person's face I saw when I signed on was actually Melanie. So, um. Melanie, I'd like to popcorn it over to you. Sure.

Melanie: Hi, Renae. And thank you again for organizing this. My name is Melanie Williams. I go as the non-judgmental therapist. I'm based in Baltimore, Maryland. And this the. I've been in the behavioral health field, um, an advocate and enthusiast, professionally and also in my personal life, been in the field of therapy for almost fifteen years, but also an administrator and mental health writer and author. And as far as your question, what does successful parenting mean to me? To me, this means conscious, intentional parenting as opposed to automatic behaviors. Because often what I see not only in myself but in others, I think just naturally that we repeat behaviors that are just learned. We're acting unconsciously because there's been a stimulus. And then this is the reaction. And unless that cycle is disrupted and we become a bit more aware of what's the stimulus, what's our reaction in that gap, I think is when the healing really occurs. And so to me, successful parenting is just being more aware, even if the outcome is not perfect, at least you are aware of what happened there. And so you can do better next time.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you. Glad to have you here. Um, we're also going to welcome Rosie. But you get to pick Melanie. Who would you like to go next? Uh.

Melanie: Let's see. I think the first person I saw when I joined was Hope.

Hope: Thank you. Um. Hello, everyone. I am Hope Reger. I am calling from Xenia, Ohio. Um, I am the executive director, creator and founder of Grief to Hope. Um, which is a nonprofit organization. I started, um, in twenty twenty after the murder of my son Justin. Um, and I love that question because I think it for me, it's a little bit different where as I get older and I watch my older son with his own children, that's where I can honestly see that I didn't do too bad of a job, right? When I watched him with his three beautiful daughters. Um, but I also look at when he questions my judgment or ask me for advice. And I think that's where I get the feeling that he wants to make sure that he does the right thing, and that, as a parent, is all I can ask for. Um, is for him to just question and make sure that he feels deep in his own mind that he's doing the right thing, and that if that's asking mama, that's okay with me. So I love that question. Thank you. It's great to be here. And thank you so much for all the work that you've put into this. It's amazing.

Renae: Awesome. Well, thanks.

Hope: I'm going to pass it to Ce.

Ce: Hello, everybody. Um, thank you, Renae, again for this lovely platform. Um, I'm Ce Eshelman and I'm in Sacramento, California. I have a clinic called the Attached Play Center for Strengthening Relationships here. And then I have an online program called Love Matters Therapeutic Parenting Program, um, for Parents of Children from Difficult Beginnings, which is a year long program to help parents transition from, um, traditional parenting to, uh, brain based parenting. Um, and I think, well, let me tell you, I have my kids are all grown up now, so they're forty four, forty, thirty and twenty seven. Um, I think for me, it's similar to hope. My kids feel comfortable calling me and asking me for my opinion about something, and they do it regularly. And they are kids who came from, um, blocked trust in the beginning, and they, uh, trust me now. And I'm so grateful for that. And that's my measure of success, I think.

Renae: Well thank you Ce. So you have David, Rosie, and Emily to pick from.

Ce: Uh, let's see. Let's go with David.

Dr. David: Hi, there. Um, doctor David Adams and I am the chief clinical officer of New Life psychology group. And, um, I specialize in working with foster and adoptive families and, uh, the children with trauma histories. So, uh, my answer to this will come from being an adoptive parent and a foster parent. And I think my definition of success has been in the moment, has evolved, uh, through the years. I remember, um, when my kids came to me and, and Kayla when they were seven and nine, full of all kinds of unimaginable trauma and broken trust. It took about a year and we were swimming, and my daughter said, daddy. And called me daddy for the first time. I will never forget it. And I knew at that moment that was a very, very difficult thing to say because she had had five different dads and it involved getting hurt. And so in that moment, I knew that that represented trust and security and safety. And then soon, maybe several months after my, my son started to to call me dad. And then over the years, I think it's evolved in my definition of, of success. But a lot of it has to do with when I was with my son and they come to me with a need, um, and they see that I'm the comfort source, that I am, the one that they are looking to. My son used to have terrible migraines at night, and he would call out for me and said, I need you, dad. And and that in that moment I think to me said, hey, success, because he needs me. I'm meeting a need. I'm helping him to co-regulate I'm helping to, to to do a little ritual with him by putting some oil on his head, letting him know that I love him, saying a prayer for him. And in that moment, him finding that safety and him saying, I feel so safe with you. And I think that from being a foster and adoptive parent over the years, or some key moments as they've grown older, I love what I hear about how you handle disagreements and knowing that that you can see things differently, which you will and you can work through and respect each other in that process. And I think this has come with a lot of heartache at the time when we don't see things eye to eye, it becoming a little bit chaotic at times. And so when we can see each other and understand each other's perspective and talk calmly to each other, in my sense that's success because we're communicating our needs in a healthy way. And so being able to see my kids show kindness, being able to show respect and empathy and treating other people, uh, is the definition that I see that I'm doing things right. I think it's changed over the years. When I got into it, I thought, oh my goodness, my kids are going to be great students. We're going to learn to read. We're going to be going out and serving and doing all these things. And that definition of success drastically changed when I saw how trauma impacted my kids behaviors to other aspects. And that's a little bit if I could just do a little plug, my newly released book, um, Trauma Informed Foster and Adoptive Parenting. I share a lot of my stories, uh, good and bad, in the book, uh, understanding the neurobiology of trauma, how that impacts the brain, the behaviors and health outcomes, and it gives simple scripts of how to deal with things like lying, stealing, hoarding, disrespect, digital media addiction, and looking at the role of attachment, the behavioral science and the neuroscience and how they all blend together, uh, in the process. And looking at success in terms of connection is what brings healing. And what I say quite a lot is that you can't correct until you can connect first, because it's going to backfire. And so being able to to prioritize connection when I see my kids connecting to me, um, that's awesome because so many times I've seen the opposite and I've seen and wondered whether or not my kids even liked me. And so being able to to see some of that progress in my own kids over times has been one of the greatest joys that I've ever experienced, and also one of the greatest heartaches as well.

Renae: Thank you David. Appreciate that. Alright. Um, Emily, let's do. Let's start with you. And then Rosie. We can hear from you. Is that work?

Emily: Sounds good. Hi, I'm Emily, and I'm an IEP advocate and educational therapist in the Orange County area. Um, I'm also a mom, so the parenting summit is exciting for me. And I think it depends on what day you ask me. My answer will change, that's for sure. Um, but I think two things really come to mind. One, uh, somebody really wise once told me that, uh, being the boss or the parent or the in charge adult or in charge person, uh, isn't about telling people what to do and being in charge. It's about making sure that people have what they need to be successful. Uh, and I think that's a big piece of parenting, very similar to what David said in terms of providing meeting that need, uh, providing care. And then the second piece is something that I say a lot. I think a lot of the people that I work with think I sound like a broken record, because they hear it almost every time I talk to a parent or send an email to a parent or talk to a kid, is that like my goal when I'm working in education, at least, uh, has always been to make sure that kids are feeling confident and feeling successful, um, as an outcome of whatever we're doing, intervention wise or programming wise, uh, whether that's how parents are interacting with their kids, how I'm interacting with my kids. Um, but I think that's kind of spread throughout life beyond just academics at this point. Yeah. To you, Rosie.

Renae: Thank you. Emily.

Rosie: I didn't hear the question straight out. So but I'm gathering that our measurement of success. Is it specifically to parenting?

Renae: Yeah. What, um, what is for you? What is your measure for you to know if you've been successful in parenting or caregiving?

Rosie: Um, okay. All right. So, hi. And Rosie Savage. I'm in the central coast of California. I'm the CEO and founder of Sacred Seed Circle and specialize in supporting, um, military sexual trauma survivors and the families of veterans that live with PTSD. Um, I think that the measure for me, a couple things, because I have my oldest is twenty four and he just became a dad and my youngest is nine. Um, yeah. And throughout their all their childhood, um, I went back to school. So there is a big difference that you can see. However, I think the the biggest success was to remove me from their parenting. Um, I always wanted to do all these activities, and I have this kid who he's a homebody, and I was all over him like, hey, you want to go skateboarding? Hey, you want to be a Boy Scout? Like, I'm just trying to. He's like, you realize that I'm not you, right? And sometimes the children become your parents, right? So I think that. And knowing that I'm parenting from myself, not from my wounds, and that I can adjust my parenting to every child is not blanket. Every child is different. And they are challenged with different things and feeling safe to be me. Feeling safe to not be scared to tell my kids, no, you're not getting your electronics back, you know? Um, so I think it's a work in progress. And I think that that answer looks different for everyone. Yeah.

Renae: Well, thank you, Rosie. And and you're right, the answer does look different for everyone. And that's why I wanted to start with this question. Is that, um, part of I think what we've even talked about over the last day and a half and I've seen, um, in, in the work that each of us is doing is that there's, um, there's not a formula, there's not a checklist, there's not a, a, a rubric for if this then that. Because what we're talking about is not machines, not computers, but in fact living, breathing human beings. And that because, um, we're bringing our own histories and our own pasts and our own experiences and traumas into relationship with the people around us, that it it's a mix. It's not just that I can enforce or impose a narrative or a framework on a person if I want them to stay a person, um, I can if I want to have high control, but that's a whole different thing. Um, that that would be, you know, not not what I would call TraumaWise parenting. TraumaWise parenting is all of the things that we just talked about where it is, it is with humility and openness and curiosity and figuring out who who are these people? Um, as as they are with autonomy, like they're we're we're in relationship and that's an entity. And then there's autonomy and, and that's an entity. And and who are the what's their expression? Um, and so for the, the that particular piece, I think, um, really it has rung very loudly that question of what is success. And every summit we've done this year in workplace and In ministry and education that when we when it comes down to it, the question of what success is and how we frame that really sets in a trajectory for how we approach things. And if we have a framework of success that does not allow for flexibility, for growth, for for humility, curiosity and all of those things, but is a, a, a set framework, we're going to be reactive, not responsive. We're going to be taking action out of fear, which, as all of us here know, is where we head to our downstairs brain and we're no longer making decisions. We are just reacting to things, um, and trying to stop behaviors. And so, um, thank you all for the the experiences that you shared in that. Um, and another piece that, um, I would like to bring up with that is, um, the if your definition has changed, your definition of success has changed over time. Um, I'm going to suppose that your, um, your idea of what parenting was going to be has also been very different than what parenting has been. Um, I'm going to guess, um, that that there is a narrative that you might have read or seen or an after school special. Um, I, I had a friend when we went into the, the foster adoptive route said, I know nothing about adoption except what I've seen in after school specials. It's literally what she wrote in her card to me. And she said, I think if everyone's really nice to each other, it'll turn out fine. Um, if anybody, any of you know my story, it has not turned out fine at all. It is not going well at all. And and that has there's not a reflection of me even as a parent. That's just the reality of the impact of trauma on the world. Um, but the grief and loss of what I had hoped to what is, has been one of the biggest hurdles. And I've heard it from most of you, even in your presentation, this very strong through line of that grief and loss, how do we move from the what we had hoped to what is, um, while still holding hope for whatever is in the future? So I'm going to open that up and say, what does that what does that resonate for you? What does that bring up? How are you seeing that whatever wisdom you want to share around that, that gap between what you thought it was going to be, what you hoped it was going to be and what it is and and what that journey has been for you.

Hope: I can start. So, you know, I think as a parent and as we're growing up, there's that fairy tale world of the white picket fence, and we're going to get married and we're going to have two point five children, and life's going to be great. And for me, it started out at a very young age. I was a teenage mom. I was kicked out on my own with this baby. And I literally was like, this isn't how my life's supposed to be, right? So as I've always worked through my life and the challenges within my life, I've always had a positive outlook. I've always had that mindset like, I'm going to get through it, I'm strong enough, I'm courageous enough. And that worked up until the point where my youngest son was highly addicted. Um, I was going through a divorce and then it ended up being eventually, um, my son was murdered. Um, he didn't lose his life to overdose or addiction, but it certainly put him in that environment. And when I look back on where I had to make certain decisions in my life. There was so many struggles that I thought I was doing the correct thing. And I always say I was doing best for my children. Um, and I always had their best intentions in mind that I had made mistakes. And so I think one of the things that happened with the loss of my son was. One, I had to grieve that person that I was before the loss and the person that I was becoming and the person I was becoming after the loss was like I was at my wit's end. Like I was at like, I don't know how much more I can take, you know? And I was in a very dark place. Very dark place. And one of the things that I, I woke up from was like, I had two decisions. I could have stayed in that dark place and probably ninety nine percent would have said it's okay and not judge me for it, or I had to make the choice and the decision to get up, get motivated. And every single day I had to find that focus, that passion, that purpose for me to keep moving forward. And that's always been within myself, right? My whole life growing up and all the struggles that I've gone through, but this sort of took me to a place that I had never been before. And as you can imagine, losing a child, you're it's it's it's a heartache that you can't explain and you can't tell people and you can't, you know, express it. But it also taught me so many things about myself where I would have never, probably ever felt if I had not lost my son. Now I would give anything to have my son back. But the life that he's given me since then is profound. I value time, I value presence, I value serving people, helping people, being there for people. So the grief and the loss for me was so impactful throughout my life. And as I and I and I've talked about this with grief, identity, there's so many different things that we have to grieve within our lives that could be empty nest, it could be divorce, it could be graduating, it could be getting married, right? You're now not single. You now you have to constantly have a partner in life, right? Those are grieving different identities and caregiving as well. So every single facet of my life, I've had to grieve something or someone. And with my son, that is where the turning point for me was. That's given me a whole second chance in what is important, what I value. And it's been amazing the amount of Mindset and courage and strength that I never knew existed. So those are just one of the things that it's it's just it's so impactful when you lose or grieve or, um, have to change that version that you used to know.

Renae: Um hmm. Beautiful. Hope. And and thank you so much for sharing that, um, that I would say transition, but it's ever it's always going, so it's not ever done. Right. Um, in that journey with um, that says I can hold hope, but it's not putting a bow on it. I have to make a choice every single day. And I think that that's an important piece for us to hold on to, is why frameworks that are a checklist or a if I do this, then I have an outcome doesn't work because you have to make a choice every single day of of. And sometimes you don't have a choice. Sometimes that choice actually is taken away from you and and you just get to be. And sometimes you have capacity. Um, so I want to leave space for that too, because I, I know that when we're in the throes of crisis that we are, we don't have access to the part that makes choices. Um, at that point when we've gone downstairs. Brain. So I want to honor that. Um, Melanie, I think that you actually, in your work, talk a lot about these same pieces. Um, when you're talking about the, the family dynamic and grieving, what should have been and wasn't or what what shouldn't have been that was, um, in relationship. I'd love to hear from you.

Melanie: Thanks. When you posted, I was thinking that, like many people, I probably was the perfect parent in my head before I actually had children. It seemed so simple, especially because before my clinical experience. I started off in early childhood education and then clinically I worked with children. I was in residential treatment with children with severe behavioral and emotional disturbances. And some of those shifts were like sixteen hours. So I said, when I become a parent, this this is going to be a cake walk. It's easy, you know, I'm already doing it. And I was humbled very quickly just to the challenges. It not understanding that things working with others, it doesn't carry the same weight, the same stakes, the same burdens, the same triggers when someone else is acting out, having a strong reaction versus your own child. And I think that comes up for a lot. And sometimes people get stuck then in that cycle of what they expected it to be, how they even expected to show up one hundred percent of the time versus the reality. And so I try to normalize that in my presentation that no one will or is getting it right all of the time. And so the helpful part is one realizing that and not getting stuck there and realizing then that you have the opportunity every time, every choice you're trying and you're moving forward when you don't get stuck in that shame and guilt that the guilt is a message to you. It helps. Okay, this didn't go right, but I can move forward from here. I can make a better choice. And it's okay that my expectation doesn't meet the reality. I'm actually growing from this.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. And, um, I think the the layers of our extended family and identity, um, plays a lot into this as well, that there's, it's it's not just our expectations that we are dealing with when we are parenting or caregiving. There are other people in our lives, whether they're siblings, aunties, uncles, church members, community members, teachers. There's a whole bunch of other people who will speak into what their idea or the posit, you know what? What is ideal or what should be happening. Um, and they're not. It's that outsider view in some ways, because they're not carrying that same load, that's those same stakes. And I think that that's an important piece of it, too. I'm really glad that you brought that up. Um, because I think a lot of us have been, in a professional sense, a professional helper space. Um, and it's different when you are doing direct caregiving and parenting of of a person that you're so, um, trying to be so deeply connected to um and provide meet their needs as a whole person, not just instrumental needs. Um, and there's generational pieces in there, and we were talking about that a little bit even yesterday of the the parenting approaches are you can see differences in generations. And you just talked about that too. Um, I recall my parents saying, I've fed, you watered, you kept you, you know, got made sure you went to a good school. Like, I don't see what the problem is here. Right. Um, and I didn't have words for it until later in life, and now I. Oh, boy, do I have words for it. Um, unfortunately for everyone involved. But that, um. See, I would love to hear a little bit from you. About what? Because you're working. Um, you're sharing a little bit about you went from pre-pandemic into this one model, and now you're working with people from around the world with parenting, so you're getting to see not just the intersection of generations, but also culturally that they're that measure of success and expectation also has that whole all of those layers as well. So I'd love to hear from you.

Ce: Thank you. You know, interestingly, in in terms of raising children from difficult beginnings or loving them, um, it really doesn't matter where you live. The experience of being harmed as a child has some profound impacts, right? And trust being a big piece of it, but also, um, getting blocked in your trust when you're the parent of that child. And if you, um, Don't know better. You do what was done to you. And, um. And then the trust or the blocks get bigger and worse over time until the whole thing is just blowing up. So I'm not I'm not seeing a whole lot of difference, actually, because humans are humans, and, um, trauma is trauma, and it impacts very similarly in a lot of ways. Not not the specifics, but in terms of the neurobiology, we are more alike than we are different. And um, now I do bump actually, it's in American culture where I bump into the most difference in terms of, uh, beliefs around parenting, you know, especially, um, the difference between, um, what I would say is middle of the road traditional parenting and extreme traditional parenting, which is we just use all the old, old ways with the switches and the punishments and the you just do what I tell you and you'll be fine. And people who really hold hard and fast to that and then, um, folks who are way on the other side, which is, you know, yeah, I'm, I'm gentle parenting all the way. And then the kids are falling out the other direction. Right? So it's like, okay, interesting. In, in America, there's, there's a wide variety of ways of thinking about parenting. And it's actually really fun for me. It's a fun, um, process to work with so many different people, because when it gets right down to it, I'm just holding them, holding their reality and seeing if I can't help them see that, um, children need respect, safety. Right? And, um, they do need guidance and you have to be in a be in a position of relationship with them to have any influence whatsoever, really, after adolescence. So, um, you know, you can power over kids for a long time until they power back and then and then like, you know, all hell's going to break loose. And and it does. Right. So, um, yeah, I mean, so I'm not really seeing I'm not seeing as big a difference as I might have thought. And I, I am seeing, um, you know, the struggle is really with what I think David said earlier is this notion that, you know, I had it too, that, you know, I'm going to I'm going to get me some kids from the foster care system, and they're going to love me, and I'm going to love them up, and they're going to go to school and they're going to I'm going to give them everything. I didn't have all the things right. And I tried to do that and try as I might, that was not happening. That was not the trajectory of my two kids. The first two. And, um, I had to. And it was like, oh, this is this. I don't have to do it that way. I mean, not only do I not have to, but I actually can't. So, um, learning how to be in that process. And then what I have learned over the course of raising my kids is that, um, they taught me so much, right? About the journey and about respect and people and what they need and don't need. And, um, it's graced me with so much to share with other people. So I'm so grateful that I have this platform that I was a therapist for fifteen years before I brought my children home. I knew nothing about children or adoption or trust or anything. I knew nothing, and I can't believe it because back then my degree was called, um, marriage, family, child counselor. That was the title of my degree. And I'm like, well, I think I maybe had one course in anything about children and then and then maybe a half a course on or maybe less than that on attachment. Like it wasn't even a thing. And so, um, yes, I did go to school back in the dark ages, but, uh, I'm glad to know that it's changed a little bit, but not as much as I would like. Right. So, um, what I'm really hoping is that we have a worldwide, um, sort of revolution in terms of how we see the humanity of children and that we raise it up and lift it up and that we, um, we don't struggle with. We should, you know, should we, um, spank them or not spank them? But we struggle with, um, how to love them, right? How to how to be present with them, how to show up, how to how to, um, have resonance with who they are rather than trying to make them into who we want them to be or who we are. So, um, I'm really hoping and I'm. I feel like I'm part of that. I know you all are part of that. It's, um. It's a really incredible cause for me. It's a it's a mission. And, um, I love every single day of my life because of it. And I thank my kids for it. And I'll tell you what. In the beginning of this story, if I'd answered the first question or the second question on grief, you would have heard a different story, because, boy, was there some serious grief in there, right? Um, but the end result is that I can bring hope, right? Because I see my kids now, and and I always said it. Not always, but, you know, once I had my kids, I realized, okay, they're they're going to become whoever they become. And it's going to be a little later, you know, than the time frame that everybody thinks kids should be on. Um, and, and now, you know, my kids are so much older that I, I get to say, hey, I was right, because they do become who they're going to be and they're incredible. So my story is like, never give up hope on your children when they are little, when they are teenagers, when they are eighteen, nineteen. Don't give up on them because they are having trouble finding their way. Um, it's hard to find your way when you have all this trauma in your background.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you so much. Ce, and I need some of that personally. Um, because we are in that messy middle, uh, part of young adulting, when it is every single bad decision that we had prepared them not to make. Um, and, uh, in a blink of an eye, everything changes, right? The last eight, ten weeks have been heartbreaking, um, for my family. And and everything has changed. My daughter without a God sized miracle will never walk again. And that's. It's. Trauma upon trauma upon trauma upon loss compounding um, it for my twenty and twenty one year old. So I do need to hear from people who are on the other side of it that can say, hang in there, hang in there. Right. Um, so thank you for for bringing that and, and hope you as well. And, um, I, we have about fifteen minutes left, so, um, let's create some space here for, um, a Rosie and Emily and and David. Um, what what would you like to share? What is this bringing up for you?

Rosie: Um, yeah. So when you were talking about that, um, I can't help but to apply it to myself, like I'm first gen. And then we had to also take into consideration the systems that are in place and that they look different and they affect children upbringing differently. And you could say something about, you know, being first gen or not, but even within the, you know, your regular, regular population, what we consider normal is based on one set of person with certain demographics. And we also, you know, I think we could pick up a lot of shame in going. Well, you know, I don't, uh, make gluten free snacks and teach him Japanese before they go to bed, you know? Um, so I think that seeing a person holistically and understanding, like, I. I'm first gen. My parents expected to raise me. I'm not joking that the dude that was going to marry me was going to see me from across the church and follow me home and ask him permission to date me. So instead I joined the Navy and was married three times and became Jewish. So there you go. You know, expectation is the root of all my disappointment. So I think that being realistic, being realistic of. And even now I wonder now the collective trauma together, how it's going to influence parenting because I had more rights than my daughter and how all of that plays a role in how we show up.

Renae: Thank you Rosie. Really appreciate your sharing. And you being here. We have we have a lot to learn from Rosie. Y'all got a lot to teach us. Um, David. You're unmuted. Go ahead.

Dr. David: Yes. Um, so when we look at how our expectations and our vision of what is to be and what is considered to be normal is different from reality. Um, I have seen that our expectations can and do impact our role as parents and the pressures we put on ourselves as parents and in the psychological world. There is a term called dissonance. And what dissonance is, is when there's a difference, when our beliefs and actions don't tend to line up, or maybe our beliefs and expectations of what's to come. And the reality of what's happening don't line up. And that difference between what I hope for as a foster and adoptive parent and reality of what is happening caused a shift for me. And it's a very discomforting to, to to have this kind of, of, of tension between what the reality of what you want and what is happening and typically what we find that a lot of times we do is this dissonance to overcome is that we make that shift. And some of the shifts that I have made, I've made a lot of shifts to deal with that. But one of the main things I'd love to share with you is that I become less focused on my success as a parent, on my child's behaviors, but on my response. Do you see? So that shift occurs to I am not being a good parent because, look, my child is acting like this. But when I come to understand and interpret those behaviors through that trauma informed lens, my response is more important than my child's behaviors. Now, of course, your child's behaviors are important, but I don't judge my performance based upon that. What I do, I'm judging my performance on what I can do as a parent. And guess what? When I do that, I can actually better control my response by providing comfort, empathy, trust, remaining calm even when my child is dysregulated or having a meltdown. Right. So that's one of the shifts that I've learned to do. I become more concerned about my child's learning from their mistakes, then. Then focusing on the mistake itself. And this is where we look at repair over rupture. Right. We want to be more focused on the repair than the mistake itself and the connection in that process. And so I love what all of you guys are mentioning. I know Hope mentioned the role of grief. So you mentioned never give up on hope. And um, I think I just want to add to that is to be able to understand how those expectations, as you were talking about Renae, really do result and for me, resulted in the shift where I saw success in a different way, where I understand that my success as a parent is not contingent upon my child's behaviors. And so when I started off and I saw my kids go into the store and they're running around and they're running in the plane, I'm thinking, oh my gosh, people are looking at me. What if I use that as a way to connect and start running around with them. You know what? If I'm less focused on what other people may think and more concerned in that moment of connecting, and when I was able to make that shift, it radically helped me as a parent, um, to be able to deal with that tension as we talk about.

Renae: Beautiful. Yeah, there there was this moment with my kids when I could, I hadn't I didn't have, uh, words to describe it until that point where the rest of the world melted away. And it was it was just me and them. Like when they were when we were out in public, I couldn't even see other people if they needed something. All I saw was their little face and their and all of the ways that their body was trying to get their their need out of them to communicate to me, I have this need, um, because their behaviors are communicating a need. Um, and it it but everything melted away and it was really, uh, it felt like, um. West Side Story. When Tony and Maria meet at the dance, everything goes off focus and you can only see the two of them. I felt like that was what was happening with my kids. And, um, it's a it's a, uh, a gift we will miss if we, um, if we haven't been able to experience a little bit of that shift from I have to do things this way, or I'm on this timeline to just as he was talking about, I. What if they what if they didn't go to school on time? What if they didn't do homework? What if we did things differently? Like, like like we can do things differently. And that creates this space for me to actually be present with them. Um, and in that presence is the greatest joy. And the greatest heart. Right. Emily? Yes.

Dr. David: Can I share one other thing? Just a little quick story. Um. my son was when his fourth grade teacher was kind of old school, and whenever he got in trouble, he had to to to at home. They asked him to write the Declaration of Independence. And I was like, okay, I'm going to have him do this. And boy, that resulted in broken televisions that broken. And I said to the teacher, I said, listen, I'm trying to build connection with my child. This isn't working. I'm not going to have him do that. The teacher got mad at me and said, oh, he can do it. It's okay. You can do it. I said, no, and they said, no. We're going to continue to expect. And I went above and I said, went to the teacher. I went to the principal and said, listen, he can't do this. Um, he, he had all this homework and, and I said, I'm not going to do the homework. I said, I'm going to start off with three problems. If you don't like it, you can grade it however you want. And the teacher again came back to me and it's like, he can do this. You're not accepting. And I said, I'm trying to build connection. And that was one of the greatest things I did as a parent is reduce the expectations for these homework to result in. Literally, I've had three or four broken televisions in a period of, you know, where he's throwing the remote and, and all these things. And, and gradually I did a little behavioral procedure. I just kind of gradually increased the expectation. Okay. So three problems. Let's do five problems and five minutes and then do this. And and over time my son got to become more comfortable with with doing homework and that sort of thing. And so that was another thing I just as you were talking about, I wanted to kind of share that little quick story that sometimes we have to adjust and other people may look upon us and say, oh my gosh, there's such a bad parent, why don't they just spank their child? Or why don't they just lecture and tell them that they need to do it? Or why do they have these expectations they're setting up? And I learned really quick that I can't I can't be worried about that because I, I really was I didn't like it that the parent that the, the teacher had this view of me, um, and that thought I was being unreasonable by not allowing him to do this and not writing the Declaration of Independence, you know? But I had more things to be concerned about, which was attachment and connection in that moment.

Renae: One hundred percent. Thank you. And I think that very much speaks into Emily's world. When you talked about how the goal is, how do we help this child to have success? I think in our house we call it, you know, that mastery, that feeling of mastery that actually helps to solidify their identity of belonging to themselves and to others, so not to others, but with others. Sorry. Um, but, Emily, go ahead.

Emily: I think that really a lot of what all of you are saying really has made me think a lot about very few people, if any, when they first think, whether a young parent or an old parent, when they first think, I'm going to be a parent, whether they're biological, adoptive, foster or anywhere in between, nobody thinks, what are my child's needs going to be as their first thought? Um, and that's. How can you anticipate them? Right? Uh, you don't know. And I think that's a lot of what I've gotten to be there for, a lot of really vulnerable, honest moments with families when they realize, like, my child does have a need. Instead of worrying about all these little things, how are we going to meet those needs? Right. Uh, and really working towards the highest level of independence and success for that independence, whether some of the students I've worked with that's drinking from a cup independently, um, or going to law school, I don't know, um, you know, uh, not something I'm interested in, uh, but, like, we still have to encourage kids in that to even if it's not where we are personally striving to be. Um, and I think just no matter what that need is, every parent has to grieve what they thought was going to be the need, uh, because it's never going to be what you anticipate the very first second. You think I'm going to be a parent? It's going to be great. Um, and I think that's that's a big part of Adjusting your your expectations, like you said, uh, whether that's just adjusting your own expectations or adjusting the expectations of those around you, those in your community, those in your education system, whether it's that teacher and that principal. Um, I think that really helps us give kids that feeling of confidence, success, mastery and gives parents the feeling of confidence, success and mastery. No matter where we're at, no matter what needs are, uh, especially as parents see that needs can be social, emotional, academic, ambulatory, medical. There's a whole lot of things that you don't think of. That whole laundry list, uh, when you first think, well, I'm going to be a parent. Uh, and I think it's it's been a great, great privilege to be able to sit with families as they work through that. And I'm grateful to have learned so much in my own parenting journey from those those families I've gotten to serve or friends that I've gotten to walk alongside. Yeah.

Renae: Beautiful. Well, thank you, Emily and I. And you actually brought us right to where I would like this to end with our last three and a half minutes is woven throughout all of this. Um, is the, uh, the need for self-compassion? And that comes from experiencing it from others that that but the our our belief systems are formed from experiencing life with others. Those those brain adaptations that say, I have been in distress. I was someone was with me. They helped me to know that I can feel this way and I will not die. And that there's hope, that there's a, there's a, a different trajectory, that it's like something's not going to end in death or destruction. And so with that, I'd like to invite each of you, um, to say something from your own story, background, history around this, this different, uh, framework of parenting. Again, not a not a checklist, not a formula, but framework. Um, that is an encouragement to whatever parent might be listening, um, that they would, that they would, could carry with them, um, from this time together. So, um, feel free to unmute, uh, or raise your hand or whoever it is that you want to, um, share that it's a free for all people. All right. Go ahead. Hope.

Hope: All right. So I love what you're talking about right now. And I think the best advice that we can do is share our stories. Many of us have so many ideals from what we've heard, seen, read, watched TV, movies, social media, growing up, all of these things, we have the ideal image. And until we all share our stories and the the emotions, the experiences and everything that we've gone through openly and honestly. And that's with anything that's with mental health, with the with grief, with with, you know, dealing with trauma, you know, trauma. We have to share these stories out loud. And I love what you said that self-compassion comes from sharing with others is being a community that says, hey, I see what you're in, and I was in that same situation or similar, and this is what I experienced, and I think that could be leaps and bounds from where we're at today.

Renae: Thank you Hope. Ce, I saw that you unmuted.

Ce: Yeah. I want to say to parents that you are the most important person in your child's life. And your love matters when more than love is required. So. I think I'll end there.

Renae: Beautiful.

Ce: I want people to really understand how important they are. That no therapist, no teacher, no um, OT will be more important than what you have to give. And, um, the trick, of course, is learning how to give it beautifully.

Renae: Beautifully said, Emily. And then Melanie.

Emily: Well, now I have two things, because I'm building off of what Ce said. I think definitely you're the expert in your own child, and that's something that can never be replaced or upstaged or like substituted elsewhere. Um, and just always go with your gut when you, when you know that there's a need that needs to be met. Maybe you don't know what it is, but, you know, there's one. Just go with it and maybe start with the love, because that is the the first part of that need. And the second one is that like joy is a need. Uh, the saying. Yes, whenever you can. Uh, even if it's the little things or the big things. Uh, I think that's that's a huge thing that sometimes when you're in the middle of all these big needs, we forget about the little things, like finding those opportunities to do those special little activities or, hey, I made your favorite meal. Um, when you're in the middle of big trauma, big emotions, big activities, even just a big calendar, um, I think joy is something that sometimes falls by the wayside.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you. Emily. Melanie.

Melanie: I'm gonna say, in my upbringing, there were a lot of outside voices and some harsh. But, uh, my grandmother always was a gentle voice in my life and has become my inner self-talk. I find myself even thinking of some of the nicknames she called me when I'm speaking to myself. So I just want to leave that reminder with my parents. The ability, the forming. Um, your the your child's inner voice and their self-talk. How they relate and speak to themselves, and so that you have that ability to pour that into even when how they view themselves in the world. You have the ability to help shape that.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you. I, I know Rosie may not be able to chime in because she is, um, actively parenting right now. Oh, there she is. Hi.

Rosie: I'm waiting for the high schooler. Um, I think, um, it's okay if you don't know all the answers. None of us do. And sometimes just showing up is more than enough. Just sitting. Feeling. Be willing to feel uncomfortable with your with your children and admitting. You know what? I don't know, but we can figure it out together.

Renae: Beautiful. Thank you.

Renae: All right. David.

Dr. David: So, parents, if if you're dealing with a difficult time right now with your child. My my hope, my teen, your young adult is to remember that to take one day at a time. Take a breath. Um, your child's brain is still developing until age twenty five. And so, um, it's a it's a marathon, not a sprint. And take a deep breath. Take care of yourself and and realize that you don't have to solve all the issues right now. And, uh, being able to connect in the process. And parenting should be fun. Use humor when you can.

Renae: Absolutely.

Renae: Thank you. Um, and I'm going to close. This is Renae, and I will close with my, um, my two cents. Um, which is, um. You are not your parenting. You are a human being, and you are worthy of respect. You are worthy of care. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of being seen, heard and valued in this world. And if you are in systems and in relationships that are not reflecting the truth of your worthiness, and that then there is some adjusting that you can do and we will hold space for you. Um, even if even remotely and virtually, um, we just want to hold that you you are worthy of love and you are worthy of care. Whether you are raising a child or caregiving, you as a human being are deserving of that. And, um, when that comes home for you, a lot of this other stuff is easier to access. So, you know, just just that's my encouragement is if you needed to hear that, that you are worthy of it and that your success in life, your calling is not your parenting. Your calling is to be who you are in this world. And part of how you get to do that is through parenting. Um, and you are you are worthy of all the good stuff. So, uh, with that in mind, I'd like to thank all of our speakers for, um, coming and participating and sharing from their stories. Uh, I love how the breadth and depth of experiences and knowledge and, um, it how we come to parenting, how we come to caregiving and what that looks like. And, and just the, the humility and openness to say, uh, yeah. You don't have to have all the answers. Um, and we're, we're learning and we're doing this together. Uh, you're not alone. We're all doing this together. And each person that's here is coming from a different place to to hold that truth up, to hold that reality, that you are not alone. So, um, thank you again, speakers, for your time. Thank you for your participation. Um, and, um, look forward to the next time we all get to to connect either individually or together. So thank you all and good night.

Dr. David: Thank you.

Renae: Thank you.

Melanie: Thank you so much.